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The Humour (or lack of it) page, see picture towards the bottom!

 

SPORTS QUOTES:

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.'
- Viduka

'He's put on weight and I've lost it, and vice versa.' - Ronnie Whelan

'If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day.' - Neville Southall

'We lost because we didn't win.' - Ronaldo

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable.' - Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well.' - Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.' - Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the
World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
- Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but
let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.' - Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the
screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham.
My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there
playing.' - Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
- Ian Wright

'It was a big relief off my shoulder.' - Paul Gascoigne

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.' - Ugo Ehiogu

'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.' - Ian Wright

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live
 in Middlesbrough.' - Jonathan Woodgate


'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.' - Stuart Pearce


'I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.' -
Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
- Ian Rush

Interviewer: 'Would it be fair to describe you as a volatile player?'
David Beckham: 'Well, I can play in the centre, on the right and
occasionally on the left side.'

'If you're 0-0 down, there's no-one better to get you back on terms than Ian
Wright.' - Robbie Earle

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out
there today.' - Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock.' - Barry Venison


'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet.' - David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukranians will be more
European.' - Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
- Mitchell Thomas

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've ever had.' - David Beckham

'The opening ceremony was good, although I missed it.'
- Graeme Le Saux

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
- Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
- Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.' - Thierry Henry


'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
- David Beckham

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'- Les
Ferdinand


'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it
worked.' - Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
- Gary Lineker

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.' - Vinny Jones


Lukic saved with his foot, which is all part of the goalkeeper's arm – Barry Davis

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg – Kevin Keegan

Woodcock would have scored, but his shot was too perfect – Ron Atkinson

England now have three fresh men, with three fresh legs – Jimmy Hill

And Seaman, just like a falling oak, manages to change direction – John Motson

The European Cup. 17Ibs of silver that’s worth its weight in gold – Brian Moore

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ rugby commentator)

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it
was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's
substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland
in Seville, 1992)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is
identical"
(Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again"
(Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in
Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all
over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the
cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four of the fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those
times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the
field."
(Metro Radio)

" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer."
(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in
football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and
showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that,
before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them........... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(USTV commentator)

 

    

Posh Spice decided to help benefit the community and began a job as a primary school counselor. One day during break-time she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other end. Knowing a little bit about football through her marriage she decided to have a conversation with him so she approached and asked if he was alright, in the knowledge that if he wasn't she could talk to him about the game. The boy said he was OK. A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself, watching the game. Approaching again, Victoria said, 'Would you like me to be your friend?' The boy hesitated, then said, 'Okay', looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, she then asked, 'Why are you standing here alone? Because, the little boy said with great exasperation, 'I'm the bloomin goalkeeper now buzz off'. 

The Post Office have just recalled their latest stamps The special set of commemorative stamps had pictures of "Manchester United" players on them... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a "Manchester United" fan was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that mindless moron gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

How could you kill a "Manchester United" fan when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

What's the difference between a "Manchester United" fan and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a "Manchester United" supporter and a bucket of cow manure? The bucket.

What's the difference between a "Manchester United" fan and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Why should "Manchester United" fans be buried 100 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're really good people.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a "Manchester United" supporter? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

The Chairman winds down after a particularly Lunchtime Drinks.jpg (56764 bytes)difficult committee meeting.

 

 

 

And now some things they wish they hadn't said........

1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays
this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100%
record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the
Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6. If that had gone in, it would definitely have been a goal.

7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which
strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other
need to score two to win.

9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made,
but there were eight.

 

 

 

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